Painful Truths

Everyone has painful truths about their lives. Most of us have worked
very hard to keep the memories from creeping into our lives, shutting
out the pain, the realities of failure and shame.

My own walk has been an uphill walk from a youthful place without God
to understanding the love and compassion of the Lord himself. I have
walked places I never thought I would walk, encountered situations I
never thought I would run into and seen things I never thought I
would witness.

As a Dad, my heart goes out to the children, not just mine, but all
of them. I spend a lot of time with young people, who by all
appearances have no direction, no encouragement and no real
expectation of it. In the last few days, I saw a "good" child explode
in a way that I am sure neither of his parents expected. Why? Parents
who are busy. Too busy.

Why do I spend so much time with young people? Probably because I
have more of the "ish" in childish than I do the "like" in child like
or or the mature in maturity. If I had my way, my time would be
wholly devoted to them outside of my family. Why? I used to say it
was because they have life, love and passion. After yesterday, I
realized why. It has little to do with that. It is because I saw
their pain.

Over the years, I have avoided certain situations, details and
environments. My own parents were workers. When I was young, my mom
left to return to teaching, meaning that our laundry and our house
were cleaned by others, and we were left at "baby sitters."
Neighborhood friends with issues of alcoholism, etc. Now at the time
we (the children) all thought it pretty normal, because our dad was
an alcoholic. Every night he would pretty much drink himself into
oblivion or just not even come home until long after we were asleep.
I learned to become an overachiever if I wanted to see any
encouragement or the like. My brothers and sister developed their own
set of coping skills. As I came into my teens I was already working
every spare minute I had and juggling school. When I was in a grade
school, I had teachers of encouragement and love, but that wore off
at some point. And because I was "smart" they were pretty hard on me.
I never thought about it til recently, but if we were given an
assignment I had to get it out of the way as quickly as possible. In
my home you never knew what could happen, though by my teens my dad
wasn't really paying much attention to me. He was the president of
Little League and packmaster for the 400 member Cub Scout pack, but
when I made major leagues 2 years early, he did not know until he
read it in the paper, because he never showed up.

And out of that I developed a coping skill to handle the fact that
details evaded me. A spelling error meant little to me, when it was
about handing it in. I could not concentrate on details, as life came
to me in big chunks. I do not see single sentences or words but whole
paragraphs and pages when I read. (Most of you probably know that!)
It is not even that i want to leave out details, it just happens.
When I devote myself to projects requiring lots of details, I begin
to "short" out. I aced my SAT's in high school, got accepted to a
college, but could not figure out the paperwork and would never ask.
One of my friends for years was a doctor who encouraged me to go into
medicine, but I could not cope with the reading or the details. I
would test fine, I read well, but when I got to the nitty gritty,
well, it was drop back and punt. And Dr. B would laugh, because i
would read all the medical books and understand all the stuff. My
wife would tell you for me to learn a software program-forget it! I
know what the finished package is to look like and can usually get
there, but if something breaks down between the beginning and the
end, I am technically challenged.

So why is all this coming out? Because I am currently in a business
situation that is brining out the "worst" in me. All the pain, the
rejections and the inability to bring about a completed project. I am
a dreamer, a visionary, and detail challenged. And yesterday I
received one of the most recent calls in a series of challenges. Each
one bringing me to a place of desperation and discouragement. It is
why I am not a line by line teacher, or a lover of details. I
recognize the need for them, but have so far been unable to get my
brain around it. If my sequence of though is interrupted when I am on
a project, I start to short" out.

And so I watch the children and I say "how can I help them?" They
need to be able to work through this stuff now, because 50 is too
late to encounter the pain of childhood. They need the love and the
compassion of moms and dads. Not so "parents" can live out dreams of
youth vicariously, but so children can become adults.

I am not sure how I deal with my situation. I am considering walking
away and not touching the pain anymore. I am not sure how to do that.
Pretty much every bad situation I have endured as a Christian was
because I " hang in there" until something bad happens. Jesus asked
me one day what I wanted to do. All I wanted to do was play worship
and be with hurting people and see them better for knowing Him
through me. And at 50 those times decrease at an alarming rate of
speed. The world is shifting.

Like others, everyone has things that are painful. The church must
become that place of compassion and loving kindness. It is on His
agenda. The last few months have brought a lot of feelings to the
surface and the Lord and me, we will make it through. But what of
those who do not know? Where are the people of god living out the
words of Paul in 1 Corinthians 13? Those words must be embraced for
the glory of God. I am sure there are lots of "me's" out there.

A few years ago someone said it was my fault that they had suffered
because I had not remained in touch with them. I did not believe it
was all my fault, but I took them at their word and have embraced
their life afresh. There are many in my life I our our and onto. I
have heard all the reasons for not doing do it, but I think Jesus did
and I will continue to walk in that understanding.

Today, take one of the people in your life who causes you the most
pain or annoyance and ask God to show you their heart. You might be
surprised.
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